Poop On Campus

When I was in college, I used to sleep at odd hours like most college students and I would eat all kinds of junk like fast food, sodas, chips and candy. This resulted in a very unpredictable pooping schedule. I lived about 15 minutes off campus, so I often had to make emergency trips to public restrooms. I wouldn’t consider myself a shy guy when it comes to public dumping, but I do like a certain level of comfort during private time.

It was usually my strategy to avoid the plain sight bathrooms. These are located where everybody can see them as soon as they walk into the building. Obviously the most convenient ones have the highest traffic. Therefore, they are only to be used in the case of an emergency. They are for those times you got the bubble guts boiling so bad that it feels like if you don’t release the chocolate hostages, they’re gonna burn a hole through your stomach. For when you gotta clench your cheeks and walk with your knees locked because if you get too casual, something might peek out. For example (only difference is that your finish line is the toilet):

You've reached the point where all inhibitions have been thrown out the window. You no longer care that everybody in your path knows exactly why you're power walking straight for the men's room. You don't care that the restroom is located directly next to the building's main entrance where at least a dozen people are congregating. You don't even care that there is no demilitarized zone between the restroom and the lobby to act as a sound and smell barrier.

You wobble in there with furious urgency, bust through the stall door, anxiously fumble with the lock, turn to the porcelain throne, disregard the brownie tracks caked on the bottom of the bowl, clench tighter and tighter as the excitement almost caused you to prematurely spill the soup, lay down the toilet liner, drop trough and unleash the rage of a thousand Bruce Banners.

Sweet relief! Now you’re sitting there with a satisfied smile from ear to ear and you remember that all those people out in the lobby must have overheard your butt tantrum. Crap!

My best advice for finding acceptable campus restrooms is to think about average daily traffic. I worked at the main library, which had 5 floors, 1-4 and the basement. Periodicals and “odd” books were located on the basement. So naturally, less people would go to the basement. And even better, the men’s room on the basement was nicely tucked away in the corner. I used this as my sole expulsion point during my tenure at the library. Another good spot was in the Social Sciences faculty building. Each floor of the building was a different department (Sociology, Economics, Linguistics, etc.) and each floor had a men’s and a women’s room. The Sociology department was mostly made up of female professors, so it followed that the men’s room went mostly untouched. Jackpot! These two spots hosted numerous relaxed and uninterrupted loaf pinching sessions. Oh happy day!

I hope you all can find or have already found a safe go-to restroom for those times when you can’t make the trip home. Also remember that there is no shame in using public restrooms. Who cares if everybody knows what you’re doing, they poop, too! As long as you make it to the toilet before the emancipation of Mr. Brown, you win!